everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize