yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
