I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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