Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I could fuck to npr.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Randomize