I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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