Your tits are I can't wait for
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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