I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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