I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
