i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
