I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
