How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Randomize
