you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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