Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
