He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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