i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
