i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
