guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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