i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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