Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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