genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
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