3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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