Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize