You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Randomize
