you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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