so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
