i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
