Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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