Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize