Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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