I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
