shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
