2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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