why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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