I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
