WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Randomize
