Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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