things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Randomize
