No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Randomize
