I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
