yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
