What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
