that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Your penis caused this!
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
