you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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