I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize