Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
