I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
