i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
