Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
In other news, I just burned my penis
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
