Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
We're too hungover to prance.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
