Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
