I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
