Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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