meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Randomize
