I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
