dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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