Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
he fucked my hip out of place.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
