i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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