Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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