I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
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