Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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