am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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