You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
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